Why is patience so hard to achieve? I try so hard to be patience but I am not a patient person. I never have been. I hate to wait in line, I hate to be behind slow drivers, my computer never moves fast enough and I hate to watch commercials. Now that I have a dvr, I don't have to do that anymore, now I record everything and fast forward through the commercials. But still I always find myself frustrated and usually it is because I have to wait for something.
Right now I am not working, my old company has closed down and turned the business over to new owners. There is a good possibility that everyone will be called back to work, but it hasn't happened yet. My problem is that I am not sure I want to go back to that type of work. I know I don't want to, but unemployment is scary and I don't want to worry about how I will pay my bills or provide for my family. I really want something else, but do I take the chance and wait for something else, knowing that it may not come along? And if it doesn't do I give up the chance of a guaranteed paycheck? I have stepped out in faith before and God has come through for me. Why do I find it so hard to do that again? Why am I still afraid to fall or fail? I know that God has plans for me that are plans for my good and that he desires to give me the desires of my heart. My head knows this but I can't always make my heart feel it.
Maybe now is my time to get closer to God and learn to listen and wait patiently for God to do his work.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Yes to God Study: An Untroubled Heart: Chapter 1: When the Unthinkable Happens
I was so excited to start this study I even read chapter 1 as soon as I got the book 2 weeks before the study even started. Now it is Friday and I should have posted on Tuesday. I am so late, but I have had such a hard week at work. I just don't understand how people can be so evil and yet appear to prosper. 2 people got fired this week and for no other reason than the fact the boss felt like showing everyone how big and important they are and don't ever cross them because they hold all the cards. I have seen these people do some really cold hearted things in the last few years and I know that they will have to answer to God for their deeds.
Now onto the book.
In the book Micca says Loss is inevitable. We lose things every day. Some things are so small that we hardly notice, while others are so big they hurt - a lot. In any situation, God's presence is certain. I have had some big losses in my life that I am still reeling from, but I think that last line is the one thing I forget. God's presence is certain.
Several years ago I went through a time that I did not think I would make it out of. This was my unthinkable situation coming true. But I can remember one day, when I was absolutely at my lowest, I don't think I could have gotten any lower, and I felt such a sense of peace come over me and I knew that things would be okay. I still fight feelings, emotions and sometimes other issues from that time. When I first started coming out of the situation and these feelings or emotions would come up, it would almost throw me into a depression, but I have noticed lately that I don't let it get that far. These last few weeks, I feel like I have really been battling my thoughts. It could be something as little as I thought a co worker wasn't being nice enough to me and that aggravated me, to really big issues. But I have recognized these feelings or thought as attacks and know that this is not what God has planned for me.
Our past definitely shapes us. I think back to when I was younger, even when I was first married, before life got hard. I was so carefree and different from who I am now. But I didn't go to church and I didn't study the bible and I didn't lean on God. Then life happened and I got hit with some really big trials and I did not come out the same person. The only thing is I am not sure I like the person who did come out compared to who I was going in. I have new fears that I can't combat and I haven't completely gotten over the old fears.
But the book says Our present fears are fueled by our past experiences. Nevertheless, God doesn't want us to go through the rest of our lives justifying our fears. Nor does He want us to live behind some protective wall that shields us from what might happen. God wants to teach us that it's safe to trust Him. Even if we don't have all the answers, our past will never make sense until we invite God into our present. The we will see He has been there all along. I have such big trust issues now, that sometimes I am not sure I will ever overcome them. But, I know that God doesn't want that for me or for my life and what he promises he fulfills. I see that all through his word. I read or heard, I can't remember, that God has a plan for our lives but because we have freewill we can choose not to follow that path. We lose the blessings that God had planned for us, but we don't have to follow His plan. However, when we get off that path that God has chosen for our life and we come to a point where we realize that we do not want to continue down that wrong path, God will meet us where ever we are and make a new path back to where he wanted us to be in the first place. I think this is like inviting God into our present. We can't go back and change the past, sometimes we miss the blessings that we should have received and didn't and sometimes we can't understand why that thing happened to us but God will get us where we need to be. For me I am not really sure where that is, but I hope and pray I am finally on that path that God creates to get me back to where he wants me to be. I need to trust Him because no matter what, he won't let me down, he won't leave me or betray me or even lie to me.
In Jeremiah God tells us that He knows the plans He has for us and they are plans for good not evil to give us a future and a hope. This has been my verse for a few years now and whenever I feel like something is not going my way or someone is out to get me, I recite this to myself and remember that God can take what others intend for my evil and turn it to my good and that gives me great comfort. He will not go anywhere. He will always be beside me.
Now onto the book.
In the book Micca says Loss is inevitable. We lose things every day. Some things are so small that we hardly notice, while others are so big they hurt - a lot. In any situation, God's presence is certain. I have had some big losses in my life that I am still reeling from, but I think that last line is the one thing I forget. God's presence is certain.
Several years ago I went through a time that I did not think I would make it out of. This was my unthinkable situation coming true. But I can remember one day, when I was absolutely at my lowest, I don't think I could have gotten any lower, and I felt such a sense of peace come over me and I knew that things would be okay. I still fight feelings, emotions and sometimes other issues from that time. When I first started coming out of the situation and these feelings or emotions would come up, it would almost throw me into a depression, but I have noticed lately that I don't let it get that far. These last few weeks, I feel like I have really been battling my thoughts. It could be something as little as I thought a co worker wasn't being nice enough to me and that aggravated me, to really big issues. But I have recognized these feelings or thought as attacks and know that this is not what God has planned for me.
Our past definitely shapes us. I think back to when I was younger, even when I was first married, before life got hard. I was so carefree and different from who I am now. But I didn't go to church and I didn't study the bible and I didn't lean on God. Then life happened and I got hit with some really big trials and I did not come out the same person. The only thing is I am not sure I like the person who did come out compared to who I was going in. I have new fears that I can't combat and I haven't completely gotten over the old fears.
But the book says Our present fears are fueled by our past experiences. Nevertheless, God doesn't want us to go through the rest of our lives justifying our fears. Nor does He want us to live behind some protective wall that shields us from what might happen. God wants to teach us that it's safe to trust Him. Even if we don't have all the answers, our past will never make sense until we invite God into our present. The we will see He has been there all along. I have such big trust issues now, that sometimes I am not sure I will ever overcome them. But, I know that God doesn't want that for me or for my life and what he promises he fulfills. I see that all through his word. I read or heard, I can't remember, that God has a plan for our lives but because we have freewill we can choose not to follow that path. We lose the blessings that God had planned for us, but we don't have to follow His plan. However, when we get off that path that God has chosen for our life and we come to a point where we realize that we do not want to continue down that wrong path, God will meet us where ever we are and make a new path back to where he wanted us to be in the first place. I think this is like inviting God into our present. We can't go back and change the past, sometimes we miss the blessings that we should have received and didn't and sometimes we can't understand why that thing happened to us but God will get us where we need to be. For me I am not really sure where that is, but I hope and pray I am finally on that path that God creates to get me back to where he wants me to be. I need to trust Him because no matter what, he won't let me down, he won't leave me or betray me or even lie to me.
In Jeremiah God tells us that He knows the plans He has for us and they are plans for good not evil to give us a future and a hope. This has been my verse for a few years now and whenever I feel like something is not going my way or someone is out to get me, I recite this to myself and remember that God can take what others intend for my evil and turn it to my good and that gives me great comfort. He will not go anywhere. He will always be beside me.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Writer's block
"Lord, when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, QUIET ME and give me renewed hope and cheer." Psalms 94:19
I have really bad writer's block right now. (not that I am a writer, or apparently a speller today) I feel like I have been so attacked with doubts, aggravation, frustration and whatever. If it is not one bad thought, it is another. I shut down one bad thought to be hit with another. For almost 2 weeks now, this has been going on. I really need this verse right now. I think it is perfect timing.
Tommorrow is Say Yes to God Tuesday. So hopefully I will be better by then. I read chapter 1 already but I need to re read it to refresh my memory. I really want this to stick.
I can't believe how fast this year is going by. My son Willie turned 13 in January. I think he has grown at least a foot and a half this year. I was looking at a picture of us at Rock City last year and right beside that was one of us at Jacqui's wedding, that is when you really notice the difference when they are side by side. He has his first girlfriend now and I am trying so hard to be good. It is so hard but I don't want to warp him :)
Jacqui got married in February, on our Anniversary. David and I both forgot that one, I can't really blame him because I forgot too. My aunt asked him how long we had been married, he got the most horrified look on his face, dropped what he was doing and ran to find me and tell me happy anniversary. He did come back and let her know that we have been married for 21 years that day. Now she is moving to Texas on Wednesday. She is going to be 13 hours away instead of 10. I hate that but I think she needs to do it. She will be okay, she has a good head on her shoulders and a good husband to help her.
Kelsey will be 18 in a few days and then she graduates high school. I am really trying to savor the time rather than rush from event to event. I am still not sure what kind of Birthday party I am going to give her, I do think it needs to be special but then there is a graduation party to plan also. My mom and sister are coming in for that, hopefully more family. Jacqui and Miles will fly in from Texas. Miles will be 6 this year, that is really amazing. I really wish I could see him more. He came to my house for a few weeks last summer and I think it traumatized him, he wouldn't speak to me, look at me or let me near him for months and he still won't ride in my car.
My Sunday School class is killing me, but hopefully I will get better at that also. I am off to do more research right now. We are learning about Jonah this week. Yeah!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
First Post
First let me say I have no idea what I am doing. Does that sound familiar to anyone? I have been thinking about this for several weeks now. Through a series of events I ended up at Lelia Chealey's blog and saw that she is hosting an online book group around Micca Campbell's new book. This seems like it is right up my alley. I have always wanted to join a book club but I have always worked and it seems most book clubs are for non working women as they are hosted during the day. This does not help me. I ordered the book, read the first chapter and now I am anxiously waiting for March 24th when we get to start.
This January, one of my New Year's resolutions were to start Journaling. It is now March and I have to say I am failing miserably. I type faster than I write so I am really hoping this will help me. It has been a rough year for us financially, we have had some big things happening this year, not bad things, just expensive. My oldest daughter got married and my middle daughter is graduating from high school. Need I say more. I told somebody the other day, I should have money again around September.
I told my kids the other day this was a Trust God week, and he definitely provided, but really now that I think about it, this has been a Trust God year. I hope to do better with trusting God. That is also part of what this blog is about. It hasn't always been a pretty journey. I really wanted it to go better, but sadly, it hasn't always done that. My journey has definitely been a roller coaster ride. I think about the Steve Martin movie "Parenthood" maybe that would best describe my life. We all have crazy relatives we have to deal with, or (in my case) a crazy boss who cannot be explained any other way other than the fact they are just flat out Crazy (and not a good, fun crazy, but needs serious help crazy).
I know that one of the reasons we face trials in our lives is to bring us closer to God and when the trial is over I try to thank Him for the blessings I received, and I always receive blessings because that is one of the best parts about God, he knows the plans he has for us and they are plans for good not evil and he always takes what someone intends for our bad and turns it around for our good. I am really trying to lean on that this year and in my future. With the economy and gas prices and people going to jail or losing their homes, it is a big scary world out there, we all need to trust God a lot more.
Sorry this is so long and rambling I am not a writer. I also hope to get better at this.
This January, one of my New Year's resolutions were to start Journaling. It is now March and I have to say I am failing miserably. I type faster than I write so I am really hoping this will help me. It has been a rough year for us financially, we have had some big things happening this year, not bad things, just expensive. My oldest daughter got married and my middle daughter is graduating from high school. Need I say more. I told somebody the other day, I should have money again around September.
I told my kids the other day this was a Trust God week, and he definitely provided, but really now that I think about it, this has been a Trust God year. I hope to do better with trusting God. That is also part of what this blog is about. It hasn't always been a pretty journey. I really wanted it to go better, but sadly, it hasn't always done that. My journey has definitely been a roller coaster ride. I think about the Steve Martin movie "Parenthood" maybe that would best describe my life. We all have crazy relatives we have to deal with, or (in my case) a crazy boss who cannot be explained any other way other than the fact they are just flat out Crazy (and not a good, fun crazy, but needs serious help crazy).
I know that one of the reasons we face trials in our lives is to bring us closer to God and when the trial is over I try to thank Him for the blessings I received, and I always receive blessings because that is one of the best parts about God, he knows the plans he has for us and they are plans for good not evil and he always takes what someone intends for our bad and turns it around for our good. I am really trying to lean on that this year and in my future. With the economy and gas prices and people going to jail or losing their homes, it is a big scary world out there, we all need to trust God a lot more.
Sorry this is so long and rambling I am not a writer. I also hope to get better at this.
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